The Loyalist and the Deserter
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: During a visit to Rhosgobel, Gandalf learns some hard truths about individuality, free will, and freedom to choose from his wizard cousin, Radagast, and both of them come to the conclusion that even an Istari can freely choose without being tainted.


**A/N: **Though this story takes place closer to The Hobbit than to The Lord of the Rings, I'm counting it as a Lord of the Rings fanfic, because the LotR fanfics are much more popular than the Hobbit fanfics.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit, they are the property of J.R.R. Tolkien.

* * *

It had been ten years since the achievement of the Quest of the Lonely Mountain and the Battle of Five Armies, and Gandalf, the Grey Pilgrim, had been journeying for he could no longer remember how long without rest. He knew he was doing the right thing to always be on the move and to play the Enemy of Sauron, and he hoped that the Powers That Be who sent him, particularly Manwë, Varda, Irmo, and Nienna, were glad that he had remained faithful to his calling. Still, even with his temporary rest stops in various houses and realms where he could take a breather and observe the Free Peoples living their free lives, he knew not what it felt like to be a Free Person in Middle-earth. True, he had some understanding of it from the happy and complacent lifestyle of the Hobbits, like Bilbo Baggins and his father and mother, but being a secret Maia spirit who had spent his whole life in servitude to others greater than he, Gandalf couldn't fathom how people could live such idyllic lives in the face of such powerful rising evil.

He did have some idea, however, of what it was to lapse from a higher calling, for his friend and cousin, the Brown Wizard Radagast, had done so before spending long in Middle-earth. Radagast had not taken too long to settle down in a wild realm named Rhosgobel, which was situated on the borders of southern Mirkwood, near Dol Guldur, perhaps too near. Gandalf never could understand why Radagast had himself become complacent when he had a duty to the Valar, especially to his mistress, Yavanna.

Today, however, perhaps he could get some answers. He and his horse were tired from a long ride through Rhovanion, and they needed a place to spend the night, and Rhosgobel was nearby, so he thought, "Why not? Radagast is a good friend, and I can trust him, so why not spend the night at his house? Perhaps he is in a mood to talk about some things that concern me, as well."

He was now riding up to the fence that protected Rhosgobel, and there were birds and beasts surrounding it or perched on it, as usual. A hawk standing on the peak of the gate spied Gandalf and let out its signature shriek. A few minutes late, the gate opened and out came the familiar old herbologist wizard, who thanked the hawk for alerting him to his visitor before turning to Gandalf.

"Gandalf, my friend!" Radagast greeted him. "It is good to see you again after all these years!"

"Likewise, cousin Radagast," said Gandalf. "I can see that you and your animals still get along well and are still the best of friends."

"Well, of course, Gandalf," replied Radagast, "What else would I be filling my time with?"

"Well, for a start," said Gandalf carefully, "'filling your time' with wildlife and plants is not exactly what you were meant to do with your time. What about the Free Peoples of Middle-earth? What about the Elves, the Men, the Dwarves, the Ents, and the Hobbits?"

"Ah," said Radagast, "there you go again, claiming that I am neglecting my mission to aid Middle-earth. Well, Gandalf, let me remind you now, I am a simple herbologist and ornithologist, and I have my titles 'Bird-tamer,' 'Bird Friend' and 'Simple' for a reason, although I do not like the title 'the Fool,' and am appalled by the scorn Saruman the White shows me with it."

"I disagree, old friend. I think the Powers that sent us would think of you by this point as a deserter from the Ainur, and frankly, so would I," countered Gandalf.

Radagast chuckled defensively and said, "Actually, old friend, I like to think that I am merely exercising my freedom to choose, to choose not to preach for a living."

"That was never your choice to make," said Gandalf sternly, "You swore an oath to the Valar that you would help Middle-earth in its time of need; you have a duty!"

"You are right that I have a duty, Gandalf," said Radagast calmly, "But it's to my beasts and birds. Does that not count, or do you still plan to report my 'desertion' to those who live in Valinor when you return there, if you do?"

"I will have no choice, Radagast!" Gandalf said, his bushy eyebrows sticking out straight from under his hat. "You must pay the price for backsliding if you will not change your ways."

There was a joyous chirping noise, and a little sparrow appeared near Radagast. Laughing, Radagast took off his own old, brown hat, and let the bird settle in a little bird's nest underneath it. "That's it, Rÿz, my beloved sparrow friend, have a little rest there for a few minutes." Despite his objections to Radagast's lifestyle, Gandalf had to admit they looked charming together, almost like they were made for each other. He couldn't conceive how the Bird-tamer could live so happily with the lower, non-sapient creatures in such a dark world.

"Look, Gandalf," said Radagast a few moments later, "you look hungry and tired, and so does your fine-looking horse. How would you like to have some supper tonight with me, and then sleep it off before you go on your way? Maybe we can come to better terms with this subject, too, over supper."

"I suppose so," said Gandalf, "After all, that is what I came here for anyway."

"Excellent!" Radagast said, "Then let's go inside."

As they approached Radagast's U-shaped house in the center of Rhosgobel, Gandalf couldn't help noticing the sparrow, Rÿz, it was named, fly away, leaving a dropping of bird poo-poo in the Brown Wizard's hair and side of his face, but he didn't seem to mind.

_How _does_ he do that?_

* * *

To Gandalf's relief, Radagast washed the dropping out of his air and off his face before preparing supper. It was a simple meal of buttered bread and scones, for Radagast, being an animal lover, never ate meat of any kind, though he would feed meat to those of his beasts and birds which were carnivorous, plus a helping of hot tea, and Radagast even allowed Gandalf to smoke some pipe-weed in his house.

As he dished out slices of bread, butter, and scones for himself and Gandalf, Radagast picked up the conversation about "freedom to choose" where they left off.

"Well, yes, my good friend," he started, "you and I may be Maiar, and we may also both be Istari, but we are still individuals. Even the Holy Ones are not perfect copies of each other. I told you about my given titles earlier, and I know you have your own titles, too, like 'the Grey Pilgrim' and 'the Grey Wanderer,' and 'Gandalf Greyhame' and 'Stormcrow.' Why do you think we have our own descriptive titles?"

"Well, I would think almost any mature person could answer that," answered Gandalf. "It is an efficient way of distinguishing us by who and what we are, and what we do."

"That's a very good answer, Greyhame," Radagast smiled, "And the only peoples who are not interested in thinking that way are most of the Dark Powers, like the Orcs, the Trolls, and the Nazgûl. I mean, after all, a title makes an Ainu feel unique, especially when you and all your brethren are actually spirits with no true corporeal form-"

"Actually, Bird Friend," interrupted Gandalf, "I never think about those kinds of things; my mission is more important to me."

"Yes, you have, old friend," said Radagast, still smiling.

"What makes you so sure?" Gandalf demanded.

"Because I, and the White Wizard as well, are as close to you as any living thing can be," smirked the Brown Wizard. He looked around and gestured at the potted plants, the vines, the dozing dogs, cats and rabbits, and several friendly birds bathing in a bird-bath.

"I've seen the way you look at my home, my plants, my animal friends, my beloved birds," he said. "Come, now, Gandalf, admit it! You must have also thought about what it would be like if you could also leave the Order, and choose a life you want."

"But Radagast," said Gandalf, again sternly, "I _am_ choosing the life I want! I am staying loyal to the mission to aid the Free Peoples against Sauron because it is meaningful to me!"

"And how is it meaningful to you?" asked Radagast curiously.

"Because I-no, _we_-are part of the most pivotal era in the history of Middle-earth," replied Gandalf. "It was difficult enough defeating Sauron the first time, during the Second Age, and even tougher defeating Morgoth during the First Age." Radagast stirred at this, but did not interrupt. "And now, our power to fight the Enemy is much weaker than it was during those earlier ages. If we fail, then all the Free Peoples of the earth and all their children, as well as their children's children, will be forced to live indefinitely under an evil whose ultimate defeat can never be foreseen!"

"If you were to have children, like I have my animals and birds, yes, but that would be against the rules, would it not? Is that not what Manwë and Varda programmed you and the other 'faithful' Maiar to believe?" Radagast said.

"No, Radagast," said Gandalf, "it is simply what I believe. It matters not if it's my children or friends, or other people's children or friends. We are both aware that Eru Ilúvatar gave everyone free will, how else could Morgoth and his allies have rebelled? Does that meet with your approval?"

"Perfectly," Radagast said good-naturedly, "and free will can lead to good things as well as evil things. 'To each his own,' that's what I always believe."

Gandalf, surprised by Radagast's answer, asked him what his interpretation of 'to each his own' was.

"It means you can do anything with your life that you want to, old friend."

* * *

They finished their meal mostly in silence, and afterward, in the living room, Gandalf started to smoke his pipe while Radagast gently stroked a sleeping puppy.

"Before I can make any final judgment on your choice, Radagast," Gandalf said, "I wish to know, what was it?"

"What made me decide to leave the Order of the Ainur, you mean?" Radagast asked.

Gandalf nodded.

Radagast sighed and looked unusually haunted and disturbed by what he started to say. "Millennia ago, at the end of the First Age of Sun, as you may recall, we were part of the Host of the Valar who destroyed Angband and recaptured Morgoth in the dreadful War of Wrath. I was a late arrival, for Manwë gave me the part of guiding the Great Eagles and other powerful birds of the air in the battle, but it was still more than enough to disturb me for the rest of my life. I saw those enormous winged dragons Morgoth unleashed after his other forces were destroyed and dispersed. There were so many of them, and the greatest of their number, Ancalagon the Black, was the worst of all. I took the form of an eagle myself, and fought him beside Thorondor and so many other courageous birds, but he devastated us with his immense size and white-hot breath. So many brave birds perished there, curse him, and Ancalagon nearly destroyed me, too. You must remember that, Gandalf, because you saved my life from him. And although Eärendil and Thorondor finally slew him and won the battle for us, his destructive fall on Thangorodrim contributed to the rending destruction of Beleriand. I knew there was no hope of saving many lives as the land collapsed under the sea, and I wept at the loss of them, sapient and non-sapient alike. It still haunts me."

Gandalf looked very thoughtful. "I'm sorry, Radagast. I never knew the War of Wrath or Ancalagon the Dragon affected you so deeply; you should have told me, there were plenty of opportunities."

"Yes, well, I never felt like any of those opportunities were good enough, and it is very frightening to remember," said Radagast, "But anyway, I am telling you now, so that should count for something."

He carefully put the puppy aside while it continued to sleep and stood up, frowning. "It was the day I felt like my life had no meaning; So many creatures I cared about, so many birds and animals I loved, and so many Free Persons, were gone, and the Valar said that we could never again intervene directly in the affairs of Middle-earth for fear of that happening again. And we were aware that Sauron was not defeated, but had returned, and that he would just cover Middle-earth in another darkness from which there was no return. I was just another isolated Maia spirit, waiting for all the birds and other creatures I loved to be destroyed in a conflict that made no sense to me. So basically, when I came to Middle-earth and saw the majesty of its wildlife and the beauty of Rhosgobel, I chose to enjoy a life of freedom, something to make me feel like a true inhabitant of the earth instead of another concealed Ainu on a hopeless cause. Can you understand that, Gandalf?"

By now, Gandalf found himself sympathizing with Radagast, whether he wanted to or not. "I have been on countless journeys, lost many friends, and seen many tragedies. Those friends were my family, and those journeys were my home, just like these birds and beasts are your family, and this house of Rhosgobel your home."

Radagast looked grateful for Gandalf's sympathy, and sat down again. "I know you and many others have thought that I am a coward, Gandalf," he said, "But believe me, whenever it's necessary, I will fight to my last ebb of strength to keep these plants and animals safe!"

Gandalf was amazed at this.

* * *

Suddenly, there was a cry outside, the cry of a bird, and in through an open window flew Rÿz, the little sparrow Gandalf saw earlier. It perched on Radagast's shoulder and chirped frantically into his ear.

"Oh no," Radagast said, standing up, "This is not good."

"What's happening, Radagast?" asked Gandalf.

"Rÿz says there are Great Spiders, the spawn of Ungoliant, outside, and they appear to be approaching the house! I know not how they breached the fence!" The Brown Wizard looked outside and used his keen eyesight to count the Spiders. "I count ten!" He hastily ordered all his animals in a variety of animal speeches as well as the Common Speech to take cover in the fruit cellar, and then he ran to a nearby wall.

"Do you have any weapons?" asked Gandalf, and he soon realized that Radagast concealed an iron spear and a short sword in a cupboard on the wall. "Good," Gandalf continued, "I have the Elvish sword Glamdring and my staff. You take that corner, and I will hold the door-"

"No, Gandalf," Radagast interrupted, "with respect, I know you rank higher in the Order of the Istari than I do, but you are not in charge here."

"But I can still fight, even after all these years!" Gandalf protested, "I have experience, and an Elvish blade!"

"So can I!" Radagast countered him. "And my weapons are also effective. A knight of Rohan gave me this blade, and I made the spear myself; the tip has a poison that affects only evil creatures. Look, Gandalf, my friend, I need you to be the last line of defense for my animals."

Gandalf hesitated for a moment, and then said, "I will protect them for you," and went to guard the cellar, sword drawn and staff firmly held.

"Thank you," said Radagast. Then he turned off the lamps, put his own staff and sword nearby for an easy reach and wielded his staff near the front door.

There was a groaning noise, like of something heavy on floorboards, and the door burst open, with two of the Spiders entering, cackling in their evil voices. Radagast charged them with amazing agility and stabbed them one by one in the swollen torso. The poison acted quickly, and they died. Then he looked around the dark room, alert for more, but a third one caught him by surprise, anyway, jumping in through a window and sweeping aside his spear. The wizard kicked the spider hard, grasped his nearby staff, and blasted the spider with a destructive spell. It died, too.

A few seconds later, two more entered the doorway, rushing Radagast. But again, his spell wiped them out of existence. The remaining five, however, were about to enter by a different way. The one in front smashed down a whole wall and was upon Radagast before he could use any spell on it. Wrestling with the vile thing, the Brown Wizard noticed three of the other spiders passing them by, going deeper into the house, possibly for the fruit cellar.

"Gandalf, be alert!" he yelled. "They are coming your way!"

The Grey Wizard was more than ready. While Radagast slowly overpowered the spider on top of him by crushing its skull, Gandalf sent out a bright flash of light to blind the approaching spiders, and then struck one with Glamdring, and then another.

The third one rushed Gandalf, but the wizard deftly stepped aside and cut off one of its legs before it could reach the cellar door. It screamed. Then he slashed and then stabbed the swollen spider in its gut, killing it.

Finally, Radagast shoved the spider carcass off of him, but the last spider pinned him to the floor and prepared to poison him with its sting. Gandalf came just then, and used his staff's radiance again to distract the spider, but before Glamdring could be used on it, Radagast snatched up his short sword and stabbed it repeatedly in its multiple eyes, finishing it off.

"Radagast!" said Gandalf concernedly, "Are you all right?"

"Yes, Gandalf, I am okay," Radagast said truthfully, then he said something about going back to tell his animal family that the crisis was over.

Gandalf only half listened to him, though, for he was preoccupied by the work his cousin wizard had done on all the Great Spiders that had invaded Rhosgobel.

_Astounding! I never thought he could do it! Radagast the Brown truly is no coward._

* * *

The next morning, Gandalf was readying his well-rested horse for departure. He had offered to help Radagast repair the house, but the Bird-tamer had said that his sort of thing often happened to him, and that he usually had enough good, willing help from his good neighbors, the Woodmen of Mirkwood.

"I believe I am ready to go," said Gandalf.

"Gandalf," asked a little warbler whom Radagast had taught the Common Speech to, "are you going to report the complacency of my dear friend Radagast to the Powers That Be when you return to Valinor?"

"Well, little bird," said Gandalf, "I'm sorry, but the Valar most likely know about it already, for Manwë the Windlord in particular has the furthest seeing eyes of any sapient creation." He hesitated for a second, and then said, "But if Sauron can ever be destroyed for good, and I live to see that happen, then when I return to Valinor, I will vouch for our friend and explain his beliefs and reasons for deserting the Holy Ones, and they may be willing to show him mercy."

"Thank you very much!" the warbler chirped joyfully, singing a happy song to his Friend of Birds.

"You are still a deserter of an important mission, Radagast," Gandalf said to his good cousin, "but you are certainly not a coward."

"Thanks, old friend," Radagast said warmly. "Of course, you are welcome to stay if you ever change your own mind about our supposed mission. You may grow to love it, like me."

Gandalf replied, "Thank you, but no. This is _your_ home, Radagast. _My_ home and family, are always on the move."

Those of Radagast's animals and birds who spoke the Common Speech shouted "Goodbye, Gandalf!" The others barked, meowed, chirped, and growled "Goodbye," in their own tongues, as Gandalf waved and rode away into the morning light.

* * *

**One lesson I hope people learn from this story is that, while direct service to God is probably the greatest possible service one can do, like Gandalf did, one doesn't **_**have**_** to be a missionary or a clergyman to serve or please God; people can live domestic lives and still serve God in other ways, too, like Radagast. And for readers who are not religious, they may take comfort in that this fanfic also says choosing your own life is better than wholly submitting to a predestined one you never wanted or are disillusioned with.**

_**God bless you all, Christian or otherwise!**_


End file.
